OKAY, okay.
So, above this it says day "2".

thing is, I keep having a hard time staying committed. It was really easy when I felt like crap about myself and felt nasty...but when you gain confidence and start feeling okay...it's harder to gain momentum like before.

So, I had to stop and have a realization.

I can keep doing this forEVER and just stay "okay" or I can kick my ass again and be HEALTHY. I mean: I want to look my best. I'll never get there if I keep falling back and just 'maintaining'. Maintanence is great when you've reached your goal, but I have yet to.
So, the other day I got thinking and had to find a new spark. And I did. I won't tell you guys the EXACT reason that something *finally* clicked (only cuz it's kind of personal and embarrassing) BUT I will tell you, that I'm in it again now.
And expect to hear from me often again.

So...yesterday I ran....not alot, but because the 'kid' area at the gym I go to now BLOWS. There are no toys. Just an area for kids to watch movies/cartoons and a little playhouse. That would be great for any kid over 2, but my little 1yr old doesn't care about TV or anything he can't grab and bang together. Also, if I were to bring my OWN toys for the kids and they start playing with them, and OTHER kids start playing with them, there would come a point where I'd have to leave and TAKE the toys with me and possibly from a small child. Hmm. That would be pretty awkward.
Anyway, i'll figure something out. I always do. i like to overcome challenges and all that fun stuff.
But asides from that, I ate clean so far yesterday and today and I'm going to the gym here in a couple hours.
wish me luck! although I think i finally got in the mental place that I don't "need" it. :P
love ya'll
ash

weight: 147 lbs
want to get in the 120s!!!! here's hoping...

OH, and I thought I'd throw in some pics here. One of these is a full length, I don't think I've posted one of these recently. The others are from the night I got out of Pracs and had to go celebrate. PLEASE ignore my INCREDIBLY white and INCREDIBLY blinding skin tone. I don't believe in indoor tanning and the sun isnt here in ND often...

My son got his hair cut right after this pic...he no longer has the 'mullet' thing going on.

Nicole and I playing some blackjack, drunk at that, not smart.

My girl and I, and one of my favorite pictures ever. Too bad she's so damn tan. lol

Hey everyone!
So...today was the HARDEST day to eat well since I've been at Pracs. Usually, I can just skip the bread they give or the sweets (which we get offered with every lunch and dinner) but today for lunch was a cheeseburger, 1/2 cup pineapple, rice crispie bar, and bag of bbq potato chips. Uh...not a lot of good substance there. So, I took the cheese off my burger, at ONLY half, and the pineapple and that was it. Then we just had dinner. 2 fried chicken drumsticks, 1/2 cup of mashed potatoes and gravy, 1/2 cup of stuffing, slice of orage cake with icing, small side salad, dinner roll, and 1/2 cup of peas.... well, i ate the peas and the salad obviously, but it was hard to try to figure how to eat the rest. i was going to rip the skin off the chicken and eat it like that, BUT it looked and smelled just like KFC, and I figured I'm probably low on calories today because of lunch, so I ATE one. lol. It was SO good and I was still so hungry that I ate the OTHER ONE TOO. Damn.
But then I stopped.
Now I'm annoyed because I hate not being able to make my own food and I hate EVEN more not being able to do any cardio. All we can do all day is sit around and play on the internet or watch TV. or sleep.
AHHHH
But only 3 and 1/2 days left here!!! Then I actually plan to hit the gym on the DAY I get out. lol
Another thing driving me CRAZY??!! I don't have a scale. I have NO clue how much I weigh. All I brought were bummy pj pants and stuff too, so I can't even gage any potential weight loss when I put those clothes on every morning. BOO that.
On one hand, it's good because there hasn't been a morning that I've been 'annoyed' that the scale said something I didn't like. That hasn't had an oppurtunity to deter my day...
on the OTHER hand, I wish I knew where I stood on that! Hmmm...that's all I guess.
Nothing else really interesting for you guys. I'm going to put some pics on here. These are almost all from New Years and the rest are from going out right around when Shane got home. (I needed to keep getting out of the house!)
But.... I only plan to go drinking one more day... and that's it. It's hard to keep that up with the healthy lifestyle...
okay, love ya'll!!!!








OH, and as you may or may not be able to tell, in these pics I had gained about 7 lbs from my lowest point, (but look, I was always drinking!) and I didn't like GAINING....so hopefully the next pics you see will be smaller. :)

So, I'm having a pretty ok day here.
My stomach finally seems to have reduced down to being used to smaller portions. When I started gorging at the holidays, I began eating like I'd never seen food before and I noticed that my appetite quadrupled. Which sucks. Anyone who has ever been on a "diet" and felt hungry, knows why that sucks. But, I'm back to a point of feeling full very easily...which I love.
I hate that I can't work out where I am, but I sneak in little pilates style moves before I go to bed. It's extra fun too because as I'm laying on my mattress doing leg lifts or something, I have to be extra careful to not make the mattress creak. You can only imagine how that would sound if I made a noise everytime my leg went up or down... I'm sure you can see where I'm going with that. lol
Anyway, I can feel myself getting smaller already which is wonderful because I really love the self confidence I was beginning to get.
Now, it's going to be coming back!
Okay, well, since I don't do much during the day... this is boring and i'm sorry. love ya'll
ash

It's 2007.
wow
So, I know I went my longest without writing, and I apologize to anyone that actually reads this. Thing is, I don't live at my house anymore and finding time to get on the computer for more than little stretches at a time is rough. BUT, now I should be good for a little while.
I'm doing a Pracs study. (which is clinical trials of drugs) and I have to stay confined right now for the next 10 days. One good thing, is I can't go out eating at restaurants (which i was doing) BUT, I also can't work out.
ALSO, it's hard to eat healthy when you have no control over your food. You have to eat what they give you, and it's not healthy. For example, you don't have to eat all of it and yesterday but NOT eating everything, I had 1900 calories. But, I was hungry, and when you get fed bad food, you can just try to not eat much of it.
BUT anyway... I've gained some weight. I REALLY let the holidays get to me and I skarfed down all kinds of food all the time. See, even someone like me with usual iron clad will power can screw up. But guess what? I'm going to fix it. I don't like gaining weight. It feels gross. I want to get smaller, not bigger! Anyone that was annoyed that I could lose weight so quickly, guess what?? It's the other way around also. I gain it pretty darn fast.
So, here I am.
I'm ready to go for the gusto.
I'm going to lose the rest of this weight. I don't care how long it takes. I need to set some new groud rules and goals. Now since I can't technically work out while I'm here at Pracs, I won't be able to be a gym bunny until the 20th. But, then I'm gonna hit it pretty hard again.
So, new goal. i want to get to about 120. Right now I'm probably around 149. I really have no idea since I have no scale and I haven't weighed myself in weeks...but i feel like 149 is a reasonable guess.
That would mean i need to lose 29 lbs.
let's see...how about in 3 months? That means almost 10 lbs a month. So, here it is. My revised goal. By April 11, I want to be 120 lbs.
That's 90 days.
Wish me luck.
If it takes longer it takes longer. shorter, than shorter.
I don't care. what counts is that I'm going to try.
Unfortunately I can't weigh in for the next week and a half, but hopefully by then I'm around 144 or so. that would be great!
Okay, I hope everyone is having a good new year!!!
love ya'll!